Fall back

This post isn't about daylight savings.

I have been a writer far longer than I have been an author.

Long before I wrote 14 novels, I wrote short stories and random musings in a now deleted blog. In 2008, our family suffered a loss. I am not an emotional person. I don’t emote, really, but I had feelings and I needed an outlet. I sought out something that would comfort me and I found it in an unlikely place.

The peppy, bubblegum, matchy- matchy, soulful stylings of *NSYNC. Timbs, baggy jeans, thug appeal, Sexyback origins.

Nearly 30 years since the group began, the best way to cheer me up, still, is to play an *NSYNC song or send me an [obscure] clip of one of them. I will squeal about the recent resurgence of this group until the cows come home if you let me and everyone please pray for a reunion— one last go-round with our faves!

I say obscure because I appreciate people knowing that being an *NSYNC fan is a large part of my personality, but I promise whatever you’re about to send me, I have seen it. Thank you for thinking I would like to see whatever that is and heck send it anyway, I’ll look at it again.

I worked through my grief while I watched interviews with the members and music videos and all of the behind the scenes footage I could find. *N the Mix, Reel *NSYNC, every random MTV special was in heavy rotation. I somehow stumbled upon fan fiction at LiveJournal.

You know, where writers borrow the public or written world and roll around in it. Some fic movies and TV shows… some fic real people like members of very popular bands. What I discovered in fan fiction was the missing piece: a way to bridge a thing I used to really like doing— writing—and my favorite pop group of all time, *NSYNC.

The writing wasn’t bad. It was… quite good. Truthfully, I’ve met fan fiction writers that beat the pants off of NYT best sellers. Something about getting in so deep with your characters that you feel like you know them produces some of the most delicious, character driven work I have ever read. Some popular authors began as fan fiction writers and a practice that used to be underground has bubbled to the top, with authors creating entire careers off of fan fiction.

Cue the Fifty Shades chat here. Never read it, but it was Twilight fanfiction.

So I’m reading this great fan fic right? And I’m thinking…I have ideas. And if they can do it, I can do it. I’m drawn to a particular member of the group who is a deep, thinking, serious person. Ultra talented. He gives strong and silent type.

photo courtesy Meow Mix (because this is the kind of person JC is)

Fic writers love to write JC Chasez into sad, intense, emotional stories. And I get it because the rest of the guys (especially Joey) are dorks. JC is always in charge, the adult in the room, despite not being the oldest. They call him Dad and bossy. When I watch him in interviews, I recognize a little bit of a sarcastic asshole.

You know that saying, it takes one to know one? I know because I am one. I didn’t see stories about his serious, introverted but also a little bit of an asshole characteristics. So I decided I would write him my way.

I found this little corner of the internet where *NSYNC writers post their stories. Perfect! Posted mine.

Got nervous, couldn’t sleep thinking about my words being available for public consumption, got up at 3 AM and deleted it.

Got so much email demanding me to put it back!

So I put it back.

I wrote and wrote and wrote for about three years. Short stories, long stories— like novel length stories. More than soothing myself, I became part of a community. Fan fic readers don’t care about things commercial fiction readers care about. They care if you portray their faves the right way- is your characterization well though out? Do you play the story out in a pleasing way so that they could imagine that character doing/saying/acting that way? And if you do, will you keep doing that over and over and over?

It became like a security blanket. Like a safe place to just write. Practice. Develop the craft, write on a schedule, lay out a story, keep readers hooked, manage a following.

I make it very plain that if it were not for fanfiction, I would not be an author. It was after writing several long, book length stories that my friends began to encourage me to write original fiction. Fan fic made me a writer.

It also spoiled me, because commercial fiction readers (especially romance readers) have expectations. They want formulas. They want skill and craft and voice. There’s no practice— you’d better get it right or you’ll see it in the reviews. Covers have to be on point, editing must be pristine, the characters must be having sex on multiple surfaces by chapter two and by God, if that ending doesn’t make me sigh in absolute bliss, there will be hell. to. pay.

I am exaggerating. A little. But stakes is high and pressure is heavy and sometimes I just can’t deal.

Last year, I put out a book I had been working on since about 2018. Elysium was the first book where I paid for editing, slaved over the cover, teased it relentlessly, had beta readers and ARC readers. It’s sexy, steamy, decadent vacation romance. I thought it would be what readers were really craving, especially mid summer.

It flopped. Worst launch ever.

Every book before that earned $XXX amount at a certain point past launch and this book had about 87 readers and had made about $X amount and I was DEPRESSED.

Putting all writing away was an option, because how was I this far out and flopping? Write another book???? In this economy? F*ck you.

I was seething and scheming to stop writing because no. I can post stories on my blog for free. I am in the red every month to put out books for NOBODY** to buy.

**people outside of the readers I have that buy everything I write and love the stuffing out of me and take good care of me. I thought I’d reach readers outside of my little bubble

This ain’t your job! I yell at me.

Don’t let them people stress you out! I yell at me.

I’ll knock all this shit over! I yell at anyone who will listen.

The option to quit was right. there. Like… I can’t be more serious. I was gon’ do it. Cancel all my subscriptions, shutter my website, let my books just hang out and be an overly-critical reviewer for the rest of my life. But I told myself… Water Lily (if you recognize that, we go together real bad), you tried that with your first novel and the books slapped you in the face until you put your butt back in that chair, so I know you think you can quit but you can’t, so figure it out.

I had to get back to writing for fun or I was going to hang it up.

If I was going to write, I had to write despite one book not selling well. I had to push forward because I have goals and these people in my head do not GAF about my sales. They don’t shut up until I write the stories, so what we gon’ do?

I had to figure out how to move forward. For me, that meant falling back to fan fiction. To my soft place, my comfort zone, the spot where I could take chances, stretch, grow, try new things, roll around in stuff I have no business rolling around in.

I write kissing books but I love me a thriller, a mystery, a romantic suspense. So, at the archive (that I now own and operate), I launched a challenge. The writers came out in droves and I started something that was the same but on another level wholly different from what I had written before.

I started The Story of Kate about a decade ago as a spin off to my longest, most popular story. I hit a wall and put it way. Like way away, many computers ago away. Fast forward to last year… I scrolled past a Youtube video about Erotomania and I thought…. remember when I was going to write a story about that?

So I decided to hack into an old Dell machine to retrieve it. It still had legs and it made me excited. It was just different enough that I was jacked about doing something new. This is the story that let me write book 13 and 14 because otherwise, a sis was about to try to Ease on Down the Road.

It let me do new stuff without worrying how to market it and stressing about it not selling because I cannot sell it (that’s why the fanfiction posted here will never be behind a pay wall). It also gave me back the joy of writing, of laying out a story, of anticipating reader reaction because the expectations and standards are different. It let me play and relax and have fun again.

It was well received among readers and I’m darn proud of it.

I’m glad I let myself fall back, because this opens the door to a different genre and lets me out of the confined romance box that I’ve been sitting in for so long.

It’s good to be back.